


All this time I felt so confused (then came you and I just knew)

by Ziamismyotp



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: It's not what you think, M/M, Soulmates AU, but I mean there's a happy ending, okay i'm done, so there's that, very very brief touch on depression I guess?, why can't i write anything without there being angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 02:05:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5316149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziamismyotp/pseuds/Ziamismyotp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There was always something unsettling to him about the obligations of having a soulmate. The once you find them that's it, you're bound to them for life. Something irritating and kind of frightening, something that always made him just want to fight it because it seemed just as Derek said... unfair."</p><p>(A soulmates au where Zayn just isn't into the whole idea of having a soulmate, basically.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	All this time I felt so confused (then came you and I just knew)

**Author's Note:**

> Oh lord, what even is this? What is this ugly piece of shit. Just take it, take it and go away.
> 
> Seriously, I wrote this at like 3 in the morning and I am disgusted but I haven't posted anything in a long time so just fuck it. Idc. It's like so rushed, and I don't even know if it makes sense just ew what am I? 
> 
> But I mean, enjoy.
> 
> (not rated because honestly this is some kiddy shit compared to the things I've read on this website, you guys are nasty but in a good way)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANY OF THESE FUCKERS EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE FUCKER I MADE UP (in caps because I always forget to add these things so I had to make a point this time)

Soulmates.

 

Zayn remembers the first time he heard that word. Sat on a big rug in a circle with 15 other 6 year olds. The teacher had asked them _have you ever heard of soulmates_ and Zayn was instantly lost to the topic, probably because Louis was poking him on the knee, distracting him and trying to convince him in a whisper that they could seriously reach those crayons up there if Zayn would just climbed on his shoulders.

 

He hadn't thought much of it for years after that, completely forgot about it actually until his mum and baba sat him between them on the couch in the living room when he was 11 and retouched on the topic.

 

Supposedly his favorite aunt was getting married, supposedly she had finally met her soulmate. Zayn remembered their confused faces when he didn't understand why that was so important. It was then that they sat him down and told him _"A soulmate is someone you are meant to spend your life with."_

 

_"But how do you know when you find your soulmate?"_

 

_"Didn't they teach you this in school, sunshine? Were you not paying attention?"_

 

_"It's alright, Tricia. Zayn, when you meet your soulmate you just know. In your heart, body and soul. You feel it in your whole being, you feel warm, you feel safe, you feel..."_

 

_"Complete." His mother had finished, and the smile shared between them was what Zayn thought warm, safe, and complete must look like. "You can't mistake it."_

 

_"But what if I don't know?"_

 

_"Impossible, honey. It's just programmed in us to know it."_

 

_"What if I never find my soulmate?"_

 

_"You will. We all do and you'll feel it in your soul, darling. Love at first sight, you can't miss it."_

 

Zayn had thought about it long and hard the rest of the day. Feared that maybe he wouldn't just know like his parents told him. What if he makes a mistake, what if he thinks the wrong one is the one. What if he misses his soulmate completely?

 

What if he doesn't want to be with his soulmate? And on some level he knows that's ridiculous, you have to love your soulmate for them to be just that, but... but what if?

 

It isn't for years that that anxiety is eased. Not because he just knows but because he decides, he doesn't want to know.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

He meets someone. He doesn't know if he's _the one,_ if he's Zayn's soulmate and for that reason alone Zayn doesn't think he is. Derek tells him it doesn't matter though.

 

"Soulmates, it's a bit unfair, innit?" Derek tells him when he questions him on it. It's somewhere around midnight and they're sharing a spliff on Derek's back porch, his parents asleep upstairs.

 

"Like, why can't I be with other people and choose who I want to spend the rest of my life with. When and If I want to settle down at all." he elaborates. "Like, what if I really fall in love with someone and I want to marry them and start a family with them? I'm gonna not do those things because I'm waiting for my bloody soulmate to show up like some poor miserable twat."

 

And no one has ever put it that way before. It's always been a requirement, an expectation, that he is to wait for his soulmate to settle down. But when they fall into a silence and Zayn is passed the spliff, he finds he likes Derek's logic a lot better.

 

There was always something unsettling to him about the obligations of having a soulmate. The once you find them that's it, you're bound to them for life. Something irritating and kind of frightening, something that always made him just want to fight it because it seemed just as Derek said... unfair.

 

The reasoning takes a weight off of his shoulders, dissipates the anxiety and fear coiled in his chest. He finds himself smiling, feeling a lot lighter and not just from the weed. He turns Derek's face towards him with a gentle hand on his jaw and Derek opens his lips immediately, knowing exactly what Zayn is going to do before he does it.

 

Their lips are only a hair apart when Zayn breathes the smoke into Derek's mouth and in a second the space is closed completely. Derek's lips feel nice, they always do. They don't fit just right, in a way Zayn can't seem to describe, but it hardly matters because Derek makes Zayn feel like the world isn't so closed in and one tracked. Like there are an endless amount of other possibilities than the ones Zayn was handed.

 

And Zayn thinks that's all he wants for the rest of his life.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

Derek is a free spirit, he shares his love with everyone so Zayn shouldn't have been so shocked when Derek finds someone new a few months later.

 

It hurts for some time but it's nothing damaging and that's probably what shocks Zayn the most. That it doesn't rattle his whole planet, doesn't ache in his soul. He's really just disappointed, but losing Derek doesn't feel necessarily _wrong_.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

Louis finds his soulmate while they're in their first year at Uni. It's so different, University, and overwhelming and Zayn's been locked in his dorm for three days straight trying to write a 15 page essay, study for 2 upcoming exams, and work on a project for his art class. He works better alone in his quiet dorm room than at the library and he hasn't seen his roommate in two days but he doesn't have the time or energy to question it.

 

He's just finishing up his project when Louis busts through his door and drops heavily onto his roommate's bed.

 

"Yes, please come in. It's not like I could've been bum arse naked or wanking or summat." Zayn snaps sarcastically, closing the lid of his paint jar and pushing it away before he falls backwards onto the floor. It's quiet for a few moments, no snark or sassy comment back and he pushes up on his elbows to peer over at Louis with scrunched eyebrows.

 

"What, you're not going to at least flip me off?"

 

Louis' lolls his head to the side to look at Zayn and he's got the oddest look on his face, one that's actually concerning Zayn right now. His eyes seem distant and droopy, the smile on his face lazy and he just looks drugged. Which, okay, that's probably not good.

 

"Louis?" Zayn calls, pushing onto his knees so he can wave a hand in front of Louis' face. "Shit, please tell me you weren't drugged or some shit."

 

That gets a snort out of Louis. He pushes up so he's sitting properly and fixes Zayn with a grin, "I met him, Z. I met my soulmate."

 

"What?" Zayn exclaims, shoving at Louis' arm. "You're lying!"

 

"Nope. He's tall and gangly and all mine." Zayn scrunches his nose, a little grossed out already and he's dreading actually seeing the two of them together.

 

"How do you know?" He asks though, because Zayn doesn't put much faith into the _just knowing_ thing. He doesn't put much faith in the whole soulmates thing lately either but he's not going to ruin Louis' moment with his skepticism.

 

"I just. I just _knew_ , Z. I know everyone says it but there's really no other way to put it like. I felt it in my heart, in my soul. Something was just telling me that's him and like. And he felt the same way. I could see it in his eyes, he knew it too."

 

Zayn smiles, feeling an odd mix of joy and pittiness for his best mate. He's never told Louis about his repudiation for the whole soulmates thing, never shared it with anyone but Derek because Derek is the only one who understood, who voiced it first and gave Zayn the comfortability to be honest, himself. Louis is a proud believer in soulmates, has always dreamt about finding his and Zayn knew he wouldn't understand it, fathom it if Zayn told him he just didn't feel the same way.

 

So he never said anything and he's definitely not going to say anything now, not when his best mates dreams are finally coming true.

 

"Alright, what's his name then?" Zayn sits on the bed beside Louis and rubs his back.

 

"His name's Harry, his favorite fruit is a banana, he has a weird fashion sense that consists of not fully button shirts, very tight jeans and ankle boots, and he has the prettiest green eyes like seriously, Zayn if I was a poet I'd come up with some serious metaphors for his eyes right now." And Zayn believes him. "He has long hair and tattoos and you get to meet him this weekend because we're going out with his friends to celebrate our love."

 

Truthfully, he sounds like a bit of a disaster but Zayn refrains from telling Louis that. Instead he smiles, because he really is happy for his best mate, has never seen him so excited, so happy.

 

"I'm happy for you, bro. Can't wait to meet 'im." Zayn drops an affectionate kiss to Louis' cheek before he gets off the bed so settle in his, open his laptop and finish his essay.

 

"Now, unless you're going to order some pizza and keep quiet while I do my essay, get out."

 

He gets a smack in the back of his head in response, and he giggles as Louis flips him the finger before picking up Zayn's phone and dialing the number.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

When the weekend finally rolls around Zayn honestly isn't feeling up to going out but Louis is bouncing around his dorm, blabbering about how excited he is and _"Zayn, bro, you are going to love him"_ so he forces himself into the shower. He prides himself on his wardrobe so it takes Zayn roughly a half an hour to dress before he slips on a beanie because _"Zayn, you already wasted my life picking out your clothes, we do not have time for you do your hair too"_ and his glasses.

 

They're going to a pub just off campus apparently, walking there since neither of them have a car. It's a short walk and there's only a slight chill in the air so it's mostly nice, except for the four times Louis tries to jump on his back, complaining about how he can't show up to see his soulmate all sweaty like.

 

When they get to the pub he stays behind Louis because he doesn't know who or where Harry is but he figures the boy-man by the bar with the long curly hair is him by the way his whole face lights up when they walk in.

 

Zayn swears he only blinks but suddenly Louis is no longer in front of him and now in Harry's arms, possibly sucking the life out of his mouth. It's sweet in a disgusting kind of way and Zayn makes his way over with a barely concealed cringe.

 

Their still vacuuming each other's lips when he catches up so Zayn turns towards the bartender and requests the strongest shit they got because apparently he's going to be third wheeling it major tonight and he's going to need something in his system to keep him from drowning himself in in glass.

 

He's just being handed his drink when they pull away and Zayn just watches with an unimpressed raised eyebrow as they finally remember he's there.

 

"Oi, Zayn! Zayn, _Zayn!_ This is Harry, my _soulmate._ Harry, this is Zayn, my pissy best mate."

 

Zayn snorts but accepts the handshake Harry offers him. "Nice to finally meet you, Harry. I'm sorry."

 

"Likewise. And sorry about what?" Harry's voice is a deep drawl, raspy and completely contradicting his baby dimpled face.

 

"That you got stuck with him." he answers with a smirk, elbowing Louis in the side not so carefully.

 

"Oi, you twat!" Louis squawks.

 

"I don't know, I quite like 'm." Harry replies with a sweet smile that he shares with Louis, one that reminds him a lot of the way his parents look at each other. It leaves a sour taste on his tongue.

 

"Well, cheers, I'll drink to that." Zayn snickers, cutting it short to take a gulp of his drink.

 

It's then that Louis complains about not being drunk enough, _drunk at all_ , Zayn doesn't bother to point out, and orders a round of shots. They get two more in before Harry is waving his long arms over his head like a madman.

 

"Niall! Liam! Over here!" He calls, as if they weren't at a mostly deserted bar, everyone off in booths or on the dance floor.

 

Zayn slams his shot class down with a thought _of these two were quite literally made for each other_ and turns his attention to two lads joining them.

 

"Louis, Zayn, this is Niall and Liam, me best mates."

 

The first one Zayn spots is about his height with blonde hair and brown roots. He's got a cheery smile and clear blue eyes. He shakes Zayn's hand first before moving onto Louis, shaking his hand and proceeding to blabber about how cute they are.

 

Zayn turns to the other bloke, ready to reach a hand out to properly greet him when he stops dead in his tracks. The man is staring back at him, his brown eyes wide, pink, plump lips ajar and holy shit, this is _not_ happening.

 

He never believed it but you do _just know_. He doesn't know what he expected, a sudden burst of love, weak knees or nausea, basically anything else he's heard people describe but he feels something just _click_. A sudden connection, _whole and complete_ , just like his parents told him he'd feel. But there's also a sense of calm and contentment quite literally in his soul, spreading throughout his body telling him _everything's going to be okay now, this is all you need_. And Zayn doesn't know how to fucking handle that because. Because this was never suppose to happen to him.

 

They both just kind of stare at each other for another minute and Zayn can't think of a single thing to say though Liam saves him from that headache.

 

"Liam." He introduces, breathless-like and dazed.

 

Zayn swallows. "Zayn."

 

"Can I- can I talk to you for a minute?" Liam asks though he doesn't give Zayn time to answer as he wraps careful fingers around his wrist and urges him down the bar. Zayn's too caught up in the shock of finding his soulmate that he lets it happen too.

 

Liam comes to a sudden stop and turns around swiftly, words flying out his mouth before Zayn can get a word in, not that he can find anything to even say right now. "Do you feel that?"

 

And it's out before he can even think it through, before he even realizes what he's doing. "Feel what?" and it comes out unfazed, like he's practiced it, and Zayn's proud of himself, that his voice didn't waver and give away the buzz under his skin.

 

Liam's face falls then, into one of confusion and... and fear and _oh god, no, what is Zayn doing, why is he doing this_. "You know, _that_." Liam repeats, tugging gently on Zayn's wrist almost helplessly, like he doesn't have words for it himself or just doesn't want to say them out loud in fear of being wrong because Zayn is such a stupid arsehole, honestly.

 

"I don't-" And Zayn cuts off because shit, it actually fucking _hurts_ , the look on Liam's face. "I don't know what you're talking about." He continues though, his voice starting to shake.

 

"What? Yes, yes you do. You have to, Zayn-"

 

Zayn cuts him off with a shake of his head. "I'm sorry, I don't. I have to go." And then he's snatching his wrist out of Liam's hand and heading out of the pub before a second thought.

 

He gets outside, into the fresh air where he can breathe again and he decides he hates himself a little bit but he doesn't go back inside to fix the damage he has caused. He's not ready, he hasn't been with enough people, he hasn't done enough things. His fate can't be sealed yet.

 

He won't _let_ it be.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

It isn't until he's laid under his covers that night--phone shut off because Louis wont stop texting and calling him, asking where he'd gone, why'd he leave--that Zayn feels a little bit empty. Like a chunk of him is missing. He feels crooked. Off. Something just doesn't feel right. And he's never felt this before, Zayn could cry from the ache and quiet longing deep inside him.

 

He's kept awake with it, but also from the guilt and the look on Liam's face, the pain in his eyes. It haunts his dreams when he finally falls asleep and he wakes up feeling even more hollow than before.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

"Care to tell me what happen to you the other night and basically every day after that like, what the fuck, man. If it wasn't for your bloody roommate letting me in I would've knocked the door down meself."

 

Zayn sighs and opens his eyes. He's been curled up in bed for two days, skipping classes and meals unless his roommate forcibly feeds him (which happens a lot, good lad he is for not letting Zayn starve himself dead). There's just this awful hollowness in his chest, like his insides have been scooped out, and he doesn't know why it's there or how to get rid of it.

 

"Not really, no." Zayn answers, his voice cracking from the lack of use.

 

"Well don't you look like utter shit. Zayn, babe, what's _wrong_?" Louis sounds genuinely concerned now as he takes a seat on his bed and Zayn groans in annoyance at his own pathetic self, pulling the covers over his head.

 

"Nothing, go away."

 

The blanket is pulled from over his head though and Zayn glares at Louis. "Did something happen at the bar? Talk to me, lad."

 

Zayn whines and buries his face in the pillow, pushing a leg out to kick at Louis' hip. "Leave me alone."

 

Louis grabs his ankle, stopping him before he can land the next kick and says firmly, "No. I'm not leaving my clearly distressed best mate alone."

 

Zayn groans and turns onto his back, glaring at Louis still. "What's it going to take for you to leave my dorm and let me wallow?"

 

Louis smiles. "Have breakfast with me and Hazza and after you can come back to your dungeon and play damsel in distress all you want."

 

Zayn snorts. "And third wheel it, no thanks."

 

"I'll tell Harry to invite Niall, simple. If you don't come I'll continue to harass you. Choose your fate."

 

Zayn really wants to decline but really doesn't want to talk about what's bothering him more so he climbs out of bed, with more effort than it should take and pulls on nike joggers and a hoodie. He doesn't bother with his hair, something that makes Louis gasp and pull him into a dramatic hug because _"you poor thing, it must be something terrible if you don't even want to do your hair"_ and after Zayn shrugs him off they leave campus.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

Breakfast is relatively nice. Niall is a good distraction and Harry gets better as you get to know him. Harry and Louis also become a bit more tolerable though the random make outs do make Zayn want to gag.

 

The missing feeling in his chest doesn't go away but it becomes a distant thought, still there but humming quietly under everything else. At least for the time being. Louis and Niall have classes after breakfast though, and Harry has a shift at the bakery he works at, so Zayn, being the only one with nothing else to do, starts his walk back to the dorms. He's got his headphones in, listening to something that distracts him slightly from the guilt and confusion that won't seem to leave his mind these last couple of days, and he's right outside his dorms when a hand touches his arm.

 

Zayn jumps a little and turns quickly, pulling out his headphones in the process. He thinks about bolting when he sees who it is but he's frozen to his spot and Liam is looking at him with an everlasting confusion and a bit of hope.

 

Distantly, he notices the way that _whole and complete_ feeling is back, the way that hollowness in his chest feels full again. He doesn't allow himself to give it more than an acknowledgement though, before he shoves it to the side.

 

"Zayn." Liam says, kind of in a sigh. "I was calling you, guess-uh-you couldn't hear me." He adds a bit awkwardly, gesturing to his headphones. He looks nervous and Zayn kind of wants to hug him and run his hand through his hair, sooth him because it's painful to watch him like this.

 

"Yeah, um. Headphones, sorry."

 

Their quiet for a moment, eyes meeting then flicking to the ground or the wall or anything but each other, basically. Zayn is just about to go inside when Liam starts talking again. "I just wanted to talk to you about that night at the pub, I guess. I just-"

 

"Liam, I really have to go-"

 

"No." Liam shakes his head, taking a step closer, a confidence that Zayn can see building in him. It's kind of hot, because well, when Zayn allows himself to notice, Liam's insanely attractive. Tall and broad and biceps that strain his shirts. Ugh.

 

It takes Zayn a moment to remember Liam is still talking.

 

"Tell me the truth, Zayn, please. I need you to- You can't tell me you don't-" Liam cuts off, looking frustrated and stressed and Zayn doesn't want that but now he's put on the spot and he knows the right thing to do, be honest, but being honest is so difficult when the outcome is an eternal binding that he didn't sign up for.

 

"Liam, maybe it's a mistake, I don't-" he tries but Liam makes a stubborn noise that cuts Zayn short.

 

"Don't lie to me." he sort of demands, voice firm but also desperate.

 

He looks quite pained, like he knows Zayn is full of shit but like he's also not sure, like maybe what he's feeling he has mistaken. And then it occurs to Zayn how selfish he's being. He may not desire a soulmate or lifelong commitment, at least not right now, but maybe Liam does and the least Zayn can do is be honest with him so he can find that with someone else. Maybe not the soulmate part but a commitment, a marriage, a family. If Zayn can't give that to him then he deserves the choice to have it with someone else.

 

So Zayn swallows, counts to three in his mind so he can build up his courage and confesses, "Yeah, okay, I do. I do feel it, Liam but I-"

 

"You do?" Liam breathes, pure relief in his voice and delight in the smile taking over his face and it's heartbreakingly beautiful but Zayn still can't. "I knew it, I knew I wasn't wrong. But why did you lie?"

 

Zayn runs a hand through his hair, looks down as he says it because he doesn't want to see Liam's face fall again. "Because I don't want to feel it. I don't want this. Not right now, if ever."

 

He hears Liam's shaky intake of breath and when he looks up he sees the confusion. "You don't want it?" he repeats slowly, like he's trying to grasp the concept. "A soulmate? You don't want a soulmate?"

 

Zayn nods and he thinks he might cry from the pure frustration of the situation.

 

"How? I mean like, why?" the heartbreak Liam feels replaces the confusion, his face fallen like he's just recieved the worst news and Zayn just want to rip out his own heart to get rid of the pain he feels stabbing there.

 

"I just don't. I'm sorry, Liam. I really am but like, you don't need me, yeah? There's other people out there-" Zayn tries but his voice is starting to shake again and this shouldn't be so hard, letting down a stranger. It shouldn't feel like he's ripping out a part of himself.

 

"I don't want someone else." Liam argues. His voice is quiet but determined, and so are his steps as he comes closer, reaching out for Zayn and Zayn is just can't seem to deny him, something inside him begging him to give in already though he fights it tooth and nail. "I want my soulmate. I want you."

 

He has to remind himself for a moment why he's doing this again because looking at Liam all his reasons seem a little less important but _no_ , he gets to choose his future, not someone else, not the bloody _universe_ or whatever the hell decided he and Liam were eternal mates, he gets to make that decision. And he made his decision a long time ago sitting on those porch steps living a moment he would never have gotten if he stuck to the whole soulmates expectation.

 

He wants more experiences, with more people. He's not ready to settle down and that isn't going to change no matter how much his soul longs for it's found partner. These past few days haven't been _that_ bad.

 

"I'm sorry, Liam." And with that Zayn is turning away and out of Liam's reach, pushing through the doors of his dormitory.

 

That connection breaks and his body feels weightless in the worst way but he doesn't turn around.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

Zayn goes out on a tuesday night, feeling the need to reinforce his point.

 

The club he goes to isn't very busy because of the odd day but he just needs the distraction of music and at least one body because everything just feels so awful and confusing right now.

 

He meets a guy. He doesn't remember his name but he remembers the way his hips moved against Zayn's, the way his lips felt dragging up his neck, the way he pushed him into the wall of the bathroom and slipped his hand into his pants. Zayn also remembers how it stopped feeling good after a few minutes, how it felt wrong in a way, how Liam's face kept popping up behind his eyelids. He remembers pushing the bloke away, muttering an apology and buttoning up his pants before leaving the bathroom, pissed, drunk and as confused as ever.

 

It's so unfair, he remembers thinking, and it's all Liam's fault.

 

::::::::

 

 

Louis doesn't get it. He thinks Derek is an idiot and that Zayn is an even _bigger_ idiot for listening to him and Zayn's starting to regret coming to him but after a week of living in a puddle of self-pity and confusion, he needed to talk to someone about this and who better than his very own best mate.

 

"But he's your _soulmate_ , Zayn!" Louis argues, clearly baffled that Zayn could even consider not being with his soulmate. "The person who is going to bring you neverending love, fulfill your every want and need, bring you happiness in a sad, sad world! How could you not want that?"

 

And Zayn is so fucking irritated already that he really can't help it when he snaps. "Because that's fucking unfair, Louis! Alright? It's just. It's unfair."

 

"Unfair?" Louis repeats, eyebrows furrowed and looking at Zayn utterly lost. "How is it unfair?"

 

Zayn sighs heavily, runs a hand down his face, feeling exhausted with the conversation already. "Because what if I don't want that with one person? What if I want to be with everyone and their goddamn fathers? It's unfair because I don't get to choose! I want to choose, I don't want the person I'm going to spend fucking forever with to be already picked out for me!"

 

And Zayn watches as Louis' confusion is washed away and replaced with a revelation. He thinks he sees pity in there, though he could just be reading into things. Either way he's rather offended and he brushes Louis' hand off when it touches his shoulder so softly.

 

"Zayn, babe." Louis sighs. "I get it, I do. I've thought about that a few times before too but trust me, love, you aren't going to feel like that when you're with him. With Liam. You're going to wonder how you could have even thought about spending your whole life with someone other than him."

 

"But that's just it, like-"

 

"No, Z, lemme finish. When you stop worrying about it and let Liam love you, it's going to be the best decision you will have ever made. It's going to feel so wonderful, love. To have that one person who you know will always have your back, always support you and believe in you." There's a shining in Louis' eyes and Zayn knows he's thinking of Harry as he speaks. It makes his throat feel tight.

 

"It's more than just being together, mate." Louis continues, voice dreamy in a way. "Your soulmate is just that for a reason. You fit best with each other, you know how to handle each other. They're the person who is going to make you feel best, they're the person, the only person, that knows you and is going to always be there for you. The one person you know you'll be able to trust with anything. You see what your parents have, yeah? Don't you want that for yourself?"

 

Louis is so sincere and it makes Zayn think because when it's put like that, it doesn't sound as bad but. But when you spend so long with one mindset you become a bit stubborn and Zayn can't help but cling to the fight of it.

 

He's quiet for a moment but then, quietly, he divulges a fear he's never shared with anyone before. "But what if I mess it up?" he feels small and petty as he says it but Louis looks at him with nothing but understanding.

 

This time he doesn't shake Louis off when he reaches over to squeeze Zayn's shoulder. "You can't mess it up. Soulmates, it's a guaranteed happy ending no matter what you do."

 

 

::::::::

 

 

A couple days later and he's still not entirely sure what he should do. He _misses_ Liam, is the thing, and he doesn't even know him. And his talk with Louis really was helpful but every time his heart tells him to seek Liam out, his mind convinces him not too.

 

It isn't until he runs into someone grocery shopping that he gets the push he needs.

 

"Zayn?" He's got one headphone in but he can still hear his name said in such a familiar voice. He turns from where he was selecting a bag of bread to find Derek standing in front of him. He looks the same just a little taller, a little broader, his hair cut a different way.

 

"Derek!" he breaks out into a grin. "Wow, hey, wasn't expecting to see you." Derek's smile widening as well as they both go in for a hug, patting each other on the back.

 

"How have you been, mate?" He asks as they pull away. "I was actually gonna try to contact you, catch up, ya know?"

 

"I've been good, yeah, I go to Uni 'round here now with Louis. How about you, what are you doing in London?"

 

"Yeah, I heard you go to Uni here. And I moved here about a year ago with my girl. Thinking about going to Uni myself but over in the states, gonna take her with me."

 

Zayn opens his mouth to say something when he pauses and gives Derek an odd look. "Your girl?"

 

Derek's face lights up at that, his grin as wide as before. "Yeah, found my soulmate, bro."

 

That has Zayn's eyes widening comically because _what._  "Your soulmate? You. Derek. A soulmate?"

 

Derek cackles at that, obviously amused by Zayn's justified reaction. "Yeah, met her just walking down the street one day, how insane is that?"

 

 _Pretty fucking insane_ , Zayn wants to say but not about how they met but the simple fact that Derek is actually with his soulmate and not avoiding her at all costs. "But I thought. Like, you never wanted to-"

 

Derek shrugs. "I was a kid, I was rebellious. But like, when I met her I just knew I had to be with her, that I couldn't be stupid and let her go."

 

"So," Zayn says slowly, puzzled by the mere thought that Derek has settled down and plans to stay that way. "You found your soulmate and like, your okay with that? Like, your going to marry her and shit?"

 

Derek shoves his hands in his pockets, his eyes becoming distant in the same dreamy way Louis get. "Yeah like, I know I use to say I wanted to chose but like, when I met Alexia, all that rebellion didn't matter anymore. And in a way I did choose, I chose not to be a miserable prick without her and that was the best decision I've ever made."

 

"Did you meet your soulmate yet? Like, I know we were the same back then but like."

 

Zayn hesitates but he nods. "Yeah, I did meet him."

 

Derek grins. "So you get what I'm saying, yeah? It's worth it, yeah?"

 

When Zayn thinks about the _whole and complete_ feeling he has when he's with Liam and compares it to the shitty hollowness he feels now, he thinks maybe. When he thinks about the way Liam looked so relieved, smiled at him so happily and already so lovingly when Zayn admitted to feeling the same, when he thinks about the way he felt so content with Liam already and compares that to anything he's ever felt with anyone else, he thinks yeah, it might actually be worth it.

 

"You're happy with her?" He asks instead because in a weird way, it's like he's talking to himself. He and Derek were just alike, thought the same, felt the same about this whole bloody soulmates ordeal, and if Derek can tell him right now, straightforward, that he doesn't regret meeting his soulmate, then maybe Zayn can get the reassurance that it actually is worth it, that he needs.

 

"Happier than I ever thought imaginable. We have soulmates for a reason and it took me meeting mine to realize it's not just someone assigned to us, it's someone who's going to just make our lives so much brighter and the fact that we get to meet our soulmates and just _know_ it's for forever like, we're so lucky. We get to spend our lives without all the unnecessary heartbreaks in-between like, we just get to be happy, ya know?"

 

"Yeah." Zayn breathes, dropping his basket of groceries on the floor. "We are fucking lucky. I have to go, Derek, good luck with everything, I'm happy for you. Bye."

 

He's out the store within seconds before he realizes he has no idea where to even find Liam.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

In the end Zayn ends up back at his dorm. He has no idea where Louis is and why he isn't answering his phone, he doesn't have Harry or Niall's phone numbers and he doesn't even know if Liam stays on campus so it's almost pointless to go searching (though he does give the library and campus coffee shop a quick scan, just in case).

 

He's annoyed and there's a buzzing energy surging through his body, adrenaline, and he just wants to get it over with, he wants to do it now but he can't and it's so frustrating.

 

Hes not sure how long he lays in bed, staring at the ceiling, glancing at his phone on occasion to see if Louis has answered him yet (no such luck) but at some point there's knocking on his door that gives him a reason not to just turn over and rot under his sheets (because he may have fucked everything up with his stubbornness and he kind of hates himself for it).

 

Pushing out of bed, Zayn runs a hand through his hair to fix the pieces fallen over his eyes, and opens his door.

 

"Liam." He breathes, his lips twitching into a smile at the man standing in his doorway.

 

"Yeah, hi, sorry, I asked Louis' where your dorm room was and I know that's probably creepy as hell but _god_ , Zayn you're my soulmate and I'm not going to give up on you that eas-"

 

Zayn wraps his fingers around Liam's wrist and pulls him into the room, effectively cutting off his rambling, and closes the door behind him, leaning against.

 

"I was going to look for you but it seems you found me first." Zayn says after a period of silence. He catches the surprised look on Liam's face and the question in his eyes.

 

"You were going to look for me?" Liam repeats.

 

"Yeah, I just." He takes a deep breathe, psyching himself up because this is it, he's about to seal his fate and he needs all the courage he possesses. "I wanted to apologize. Again. I hated the thought of soulmates for so long but like, I ran into an old mate of mine today and he kind of helped me realize that I should stop being such a stubborn arse and give it a go. I mean, everyone else seems pretty hyped about having soulmates so it can be _that_ bad."

 

He manages a small smile, to show he's only teasing, and a shrug of his shoulders.

 

"Wait, what? How could you hate the idea of soulmates?"

 

Zayn shrugs again and pushes away from the door so he can stand in front of Liam. "I have my reasons, but none of them matter anymore."

 

His reaches over but hesitates half way, still a little unsure but then Liam's hand is meeting him the rest of the way, their fingers twining and it causes a hitch in Zayn's breath, his heart beat a little faster. Something just settles in his chest and his mum was right, you do feel safe.

 

He admires the contrast of skin and size, and how even still the fit feels just right. He breaks his eyes away from their hands though, and looks up at Liam and the lovely smile on his face, how it crinkles his eyes and wrinkles his nose. He's such a sight and it makes Zayn's insides melt.

 

"So you sure about this, then? Not gonna change your mind and leave me flat." His tone is teasing but Zayn can still pick up the subtle shake in his voice, like he genuinely needs the reassurance.

 

So Zayn squeezes his hand lightly, looks him in the eye as he says, "Yeah, I'm sure." and he might still be a little hesitant but he thinks he really means it.

 

"Well good." Liam says. "I'm really glad you're my soulmate."

 

Zayn can't help but scrunch his nose at that. "After the shit I made you put up with? I don't see why you'd be."

 

"Well," Liam reasons. "You're bloody gorgeous, so there's  _that_."

 

Zayn feels his face heat up at the compliment but he doesn't shy away, instead he says back, mock offense. "Oi, I'm more than just a pretty face."

 

Liam giggles, an adorable sight and sound that has Zayn swooning.  "I'm sure you are." he replies, completely genuine and Zayn has to duck his head, his smile shy because the fondness growing in Liam's eyes is just too much for him to look at directly.

 

It surprises him when Liam's other hand touches his jaw, just a brush of his fingers at first before it settles there and tilts Zayn's face up. He watches as Liam leans closer, so their faces are barely an inch apart. He moves slowly, like he's giving Zayn time to back away if he wants to but instead Zayn closes the last bit of space and presses their lips together, softly.

 

Liam's lips feel perfect against his own, they fit in a way he can't describe. Something finally slots into space inside of him and stays that way even when they pull apart. He no longer feels off balance or incomplete.

 

His fate may be sealed but the world doesn't stop like he thought it would and things don't shift back into one lane. And with time, he realizes it's because with Liam he still gets his endless possibilities, just someone else to share them with.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what to say. Sorry for the major lack of smut, I'm just really horrible at writing it so I didn't even bother


End file.
